This first one is going to be a little longish. There’s a lot to explain. So maybe I should start with the Why.
I was recently diagnosed with left breast cancer. At first we thought it was caught at the earliest stage. I even joked with my sister that I had said once when working in oncology that if I had to pick a cancer, I’d pick that. She recommended that next time I pick marshmallows instead of cancer. Point taken. Now, however, the stage (how far it has spread, basically) is unclear. Subsequent testing (MRI) make it look as if it might be more involved than thought. And it seems as if every test I have creates the need for another one, and delays having any answers. This is not only frustrating and scary for me, it is also those things for the people who care about me. And it creates this need to have difficult conversations over and over again. Don’t get me wrong, I love to connect with my circle. But it is also emotionally exhausting. The worst part about all of this is seeing the pain it causes for others. So a friend of mine suggested a blog. So here I go!
Why nopinkribbonsplease? It’s not that I am anti-breast cancer research or support. I’m not a jerk. It came up when I was sharing my anger and irritation with my therapist, and she got it right away. She said, “Yeah, I can see that. It’s like you’re relegated to a life of pink ribbons from here on out.” Exactly. I love my therapist.
The point is, I’m not just a breast cancer patient. A pink ribbon doesn’t describe me very well at all. It says nothing about my relationships, which are wildly important to me. Or about what I like to do. Or maybe more importantly, what I like to say that I do when I’m actually doing other things. For example, I say I like to hike. I like to plan to hike the next day. What I’m actually doing while I’m planning a hike is sitting on the couch, eating Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, and watching The Mindy Project. I also say I like research. What I actually do is get on facebook, or go down the hall to visit Renee, and talk about how I’m not getting any research done. But I digress. A pink ribbon doesn’t tell you that I’ve spent the last four years of my life working on my Ph.D. Or that the Ph.D. will (hopefully) one day be in psychology. Or that my focus is school psychology. Or that my research involves creating safe schools LGBT youth. It doesn’t say that I am very political, intensely so sometimes. It doesn’t tell you that my brother died only a little over a month ago of cancer, and I’m pissed that my family can’t seem to catch a damn break. Or that I actually don’t really like the color pink, and it irritates me that just because this disease affects mainly (not solely) women, everything about it has to be swathed in pink pink pink. Pink ribbons make me feel as if my world is shrinking to only include the one thing I’d rather not be included. Like all the fun, smart guests have left my party, and now I’m just stuck with this unwelcome guest, the one I didn’t even invite.
Perhaps I’m in denial, not wanting to join the ranks of breast cancer patients, dragging my heels, what have you. Maybe someday I’ll decorate my whole house in pink ribbons and tattoo my body with them. But for now, no pink ribbons please. Why the please? Because that’s just polite. That’s how my mama raised me.
So… the What. I will use this as a way to keep everyone who wants to read it updated on the latest. That might include which tests are coming up, what the results are or when to expect them, or maybe just what I’m feeling about it all. I guess I don’t completely know yet. Maybe it’s also a way to not ONLY sit on the couch and watch The Mindy Project. Because I’m scared of the day when a plan to go on a hike is postponed not due to laziness, but because it is wildly unrealistic.
So far, I have had mammograms (irregular), ultrasound (suspicious), a biopsy (left breast invasive ductal carcinoma, staging and size unknown because the facility I went to didn’t do enough testing) and MRI (“a lot of activity there, even in the right breast”). The MRI made it look as if a lumpectomy may be out of the question. Tomorrow I go in (not to the same facility) for several (up to seven) biopsies and ultrasound. The results from those should tell us the extent of the cancer, and whether the cancer cells have hormone receptors. That, in turn, will inform what type of surgery, whether chemo and radiation are necessary, and which should come first. I’m hoping to know by next Wednesday. I’ll let you know when I do.
nopinkribbonsplease 
sending lots of love and positive energy (and absolutely NO pink ribbons what-so-ever)!
Heartfelt. I will keep following your blog. It was so good to see you the other day, but am sorry it was under such circumstances. I promise not to get you anything pink, unless you give the “pink light” to go ahead! Know that you are cared for!
I’d just like to clarify, we don’t *just* talk about you not getting research done…we also review our favorite moments of The Mindy Project. 😉
LOL
Thank you
Laurie, you are in my heart and prayers! Thank you for sharing your feelings, especially in this difficult time of not knowing exactly what you’re facing. Love you!
Arghh! LAURI!! I had been talking to Dennis’ sister, LAURIE…..Sorry!!
Love you, Lauri Mae! I am so sorry to hear this crappy news. I am sending you the good vibes (think rainbow vibes!) and hoping for the best! You KNOW I want to call you RIGHT NOW, but I will hold off. Call me if you want to talk about cancer or not cancer, anytime. Love, Meg
Please know that I’m here if you need me!!
I heart The Mindy Project!
Tears and prayers, my friend. I’m so sorry that this has interrupted (understatement of the eon, I know) your beautiful and vibrant life.
I’ve not yet dealt with cancer, but I know quite a bit about long-term conditions. If you haven’t seen it before, you might want to read some of my entries on my blog, jennwright.com. Just keep us posted, and please continue to take care of your emotional and spiritual and social needs as well. Be still, and feel the positive Love force embracing you.
Shalom. Namaste. Peace.Irini. Shanti.
Jenn
So well said and it hurts because it is someone I know and love…You are in my thoughts and prayers.
PS… this is a blog I will be following…your writing is beautiful.
I love your blog and that, despite being about terrible, scary things, it is hysterical and fabulous. just like you. love you, amiga:)
Sending lots of love and thoughts your way, Lauri! Always.
So when this is all over and you’re not doing research or hiking you might consider making a living as a writer. You’re quite good at it. Love and light from my family to yours. Jennie
finally a blog I will read. thanks for sharing this way. I’ll be sending you all the strength and well wishes I can and please let me know if anything can be done. no ‘pleases’ or other politeness required. xoxo
I don’t even know what to say. Sorry you are going through this is not enough. I am here for you as you know my journey I have gone through with cancer. I love you and will be thinking of you.
Lauri,
Thank you for starting this blog as one more thing I can read while I’m being paid to “work.”
I also welcome Mindy posts because I’m obsessed with TMP (yes, I just abbreviated it) and would appreciate the occasional discussion on if (or when) Mindy and Danny will get together. That being said…sending support and love your way. You are an amazingly strong person and I’m thinking of you often. -Melissa
Lauri, my beautiful friend. My heart aches for you and your family. You have love coming your way all the way from Alaska. Can you feel the huge hug I’m sending?!?!
Hey, Lauri. Thanks for doing this. Will be checking regularly!n Hang in there: we’re all here for you. g
I so appreciate this and want to get your updates on the blog. I have a weird urge to make up a mascot for the blog that is certainly not pink, nor the color of Barney! I have to think about it though. Is it OK if it is a monster? Your friend, Kim
Ooohhh, I am intrigued at what the mascot might be??!!! Monsters are welcome!
Love to you. And to Brian and Miko. Medical mysteries and waiting for answers suck. But those things don’t define strong women like you. Hope and wellness to you, my friend. They are both choices and you deserve them.
thoughts and prayers, l. i’m thinking of you.
I’m not sure how it’s possible that some people are so self aware and true that even in sixth grade it’s clear who they are. But you’re proof.
It seems unfair to take up space with a comment to you, given the many, many years it’s been since I’ve seen you/kept up but I think it might be worthwhile to say that as with all your posts, all your observations and your take on life as seen through the Facebook lens, you are strong, wise, courageous and consistently an exceptionally kind and thoughtful woman.
Thank you for offering a window into this next, albeit incredibly unfair, saga. I’ll be here, cheering you on. Sans pink ribbons.
Damn. I lose my commas after 10:30pm. Exhibit A: Paragraph B. Hope you followed.
Is it bad that I laughed really hard in my office?? I’m sure someone in the hallway heard.
We’re supporting you, Lauri!